Candy <3 (empyrean_gem) wrote,
Candy <3

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Light and shadows

I took my mom to church today. Second time this year I've been there. I thought this time I might feel a little different. I have been feeling pretty down today. It seems every time I have a truly awesome day, the next is just... meh. I want to be on a constant high and it feels unreachable. So I decided to go to church today to see if I'd find something I'm missing. Didn't find anything. If anything, I just keep realizing that I don't like being there at all. I didn't want to go to begin with, but my mom really wanted to go. It's Palm Sunday. She is so religious and was so happy talking about it, I couldn't say no. Besides, I have a car now and I don't mind taking time off to do something my mom would be so happy to do. I'm not very religious, but I respect my mom's faith and her love for it. Truth is, I have some of it deep within me too.

At church today, I just kept seeing how everybody follows all the directions and repeats phrases ingrained in their brains. I have some of those too. I recite them at night in my mind before I fall asleep. I'm not much different, but seeing it before my eyes... everybody... just repeating the same words. I feel like I'm in a cult. I don't like the feeling.

And as always, every time I go, I try to listen and make sense of what the priest is saying. There's always some things he says that come from the bible that don't make sense to me. They preach to be good and humble and forgiveness. They then talk about how if you don't believe in God or Jesus that he'll deny you entrance into heaven. Or that you will be punished. It doesn't make sense to me. It's not what I believe. It's not the way I see things. He talked today about Jesus saying that everybody should be like kids close to the ground "with their feet firm on the ground". That adults should keep their heads from the clouds and be like children close to the ground. I don't know what kind of kids this priest hangs out with, but every child I know has crazy amazing dreams. That just made absolutely no sense at all! It is just so completely untrue! Children believe in the impossible. If anything, yes we should be like children believing the sky is the limit! They believe in Superman for Christ's sake! And then all the bible stuff... whenever they recite excerpts from it there's always something I hear that I don't like. Just negative things... always something there.

I believe God is good. That's what I feel in my heart. Maybe there was no Jesus. Just a guy whose name was Jesus that truly believed he was God's son but not really. And then people wrote about him and the bible was born later. I don't know. I believe what I see. There is good and evil. There is light and shadows. Maybe there are two Gods always fighting. Sometimes evil triumphs over good and vice versa. Maybe... there's no heaven; just another dimension where good and evil still exist. Maybe... what we see as angels and ghosts are those who have passed trying to help us or hurt us from that other dimension. Good people and bad people all the same. There are all kinds of possibilities in this world. It's crazy the amount of things that we can't see but we know exist. Space. Technology has shown us these planets, stars, galaxies that are out there that otherwise we wouldn't know about. Someone on Facebook posted a meme the other day that said something like "If we didn't have eyes, we wouldn't know color exists. Now, imagine if there's an organ we are missing that doesn't let us see something that is here in this world." That's crazy true.
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