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Stuff [14 Jul 2015|06:56pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

I look around and all my things are neatly folded and stored away in boxes. Then, a bunch of shit that's not mine is covering it all. I want to take my stuff, take me, and move the fuck out. I CAN'T!!! I CAN'T!! I can't take this anymore!!! I want out... it's almost been a year! I have the money, I have the desire, I have the neeeeeeeed cause otherwise I'm going to go insane. The problem is finding a place a good nice place I can afford. I'm constantly out of the house because I just can't stand being here anymore. It's not that I don't love my family, it's that there's just no privacy anywhere and nothing is organized except for my stuff in the boxes that are difficult to access. None of this is pleasing to the eye. Every time I'm here I feel stressed. I'm not even a neat freak but jeeze this is just too fucking much for me to bear! I'm tired of it! So incredibly sick and tired of this shit. I like my car. My car is neat. There's nothing that's out of place there. Even the trunk is neat. My car STILL SMELLS NEW and it's been 7 months since I got it!!!! I want out! I want out! I want out!! :'(

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Weird shit... [28 Apr 2015|09:01pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I've been extremely happy for several days. Possibly even weeks. I have soooooo much to be thankful and happy about.


It seems I only feel like writing when I feel sad. I'm supposed to be studying, but here I went and typed in the livejournal website in the browser....

I think maybe it's just that I'm a little overwhelmed with work. There is an incredible amount of work I have to do. Sometime this week Carmen and I are having a meeting with the Campus President and all the other administrators. And we are the ones that have to initiate the conversation in regards to the restructuring of some departments. It just gets my nerves on edge. Growing up sucks. lol The reports are piling up. I used to be so quick at everything and now it just seems I'm losing focus. It's taking over me and at a really bad time. I'm feeling the pressure.

My final for Global Terrorism is also right around the corner in two days. Today is only Tuesday and it feels like a Friday from how tired I feel.

I've also got Erin sending me apartment listings to look at at my request. I may be putting too much pressure on myself. I feel like I gotta get out soon but I don't want to end up choosing a place I'm not too happy about. Even if the apartment is nice and spacious, I want to like the outside and the building and gd it I want lots of trees around the neighborhood too. I want a little too much and nothing at all. I'm feeling the pressure here too. And my mom is sad. She doesn't want me to go. She wants to win the lotto to buy a big house where I could have a bedroom. I tell her, "I don't want just a bedroom, I want a kitchen, a living room, a bathroom, my own things wherever I want to have them. I love you mom, but I'm an adult now you gotta let me fly. I know you love me and want me to stay but you know you have taught me so much and have raised me to be a strong woman." I didn't tell her how I'm actually scared of moving on my own. That, I still kind of don't feel completely ready, but how will I ever know if I don't do it? I'm freaking scared. But this year. This 2015. Is the year of letting go of fears. Of doing things on my own. Of moving forward and leaving all the hurt behind. This year is my year and I'm taking the reigns. I'm terrified... but I won't let the fear stop me. Fuck you fear!

Ok. Enough rambling. Gotta get back to studying. I just had to vent just a little.

"Long nights allow me to feel I'm falling. Falling. Safely to the ground". - Eddie Vedder

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Today was sweeeeeeet! [15 Apr 2015|11:38pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I feel like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders. That's what happens whenever I finish a class! YAYYYYYYY!!!! :D I finished my acting class and I no longer have to be memorizing lines. The best part: I GOT AN A!!!!! And I think I did very well on this last Scene. Dead Man's Cell Phone with my classmate Alana. Woot woot! So now, I have to focus on getting the A in Global Terrorism. And I have one full week to work on it. :)

Nikki sent me a message this morning for a free ticket to a 5K her and Arnold are doing this Saturday. I jumped on it like a dog jumping into a pool. Hell to the fuck yeah!!! I'm so excited! And it's at the Grove so it's gonna be really pretty running in that area. The only thing I'm kinda worry about is what I worry about now a days: driving there. So I've driven in the area sort of when I went to hang out with Roshini at the Planetarium, but this time it's gonna be getting to a place I've never been before. I hope I don't get lost. Ah! It's gonna be awesome hanging out with my Cuz, Nikki, and the twins again. :)

On Monday, I went to see my advisor. I'd been slacking off... losing focus... with my mind in other places... well, one place... those damn green eyes... gd it. Why???!!! I barely even fucking talk to him. Grrrrrr. Oh right, I'm talking about school. You see what I mean?! Ok. Anyway, so Chichi kinda got me to start getting my shit straight. He asked if I had picked my classes for summer and fall yet and when I told him I hadn't he looked disappointed and I felt like damn I am really slacking off a little too much. This kid is taking tough as shit classes and here is his older sister wasting time on Facebook and Instagram. So I told him I didn't really know what classes to take. That was not a lie. I really don't know what else to take. But, it's not like I can't look it up. Like I said before, I've just been slacking a lot. I told him I'd go see an advisor and the next day I did. Now, I am confirmed to have 8 classes left to go before I get my bachelors. :D :D :D Mr. Nino said I have a great GPA (3.5) and all I need to satisfy now is my language requirement, one core class, two criminal justice electives, and 5 general education electives. He said by summer or fall next semester to visit him to make sure I will be graduation ready to end 2016. :) Wow! I'm gonna get my BACHELOR'S!!!!!!! O...M...F...G!! It's so close! :D :D :D Now that I am aware of what I need it's just a matter of setting it up. Setting the goals. Figuring out what to do next. He recommended I go to the job fairs to start gathering information of what is out there in the criminal justice field. Maybe merge some of my knowledge in budgeting with working in Courts and all. I don't like the business side, but you never know how your knowledge will come in handy at any point and possibly be that link to get the foot in the door so to speak. I was thinking I should fill my general education electives with some psychology relating to mental health and adolescence. I think it'd be very interesting and fulfilling to work in the juvenile courts. Maybe that's my calling. Won't know unless I try. Or like Yoda would say "There is no try. There is only do."

On another note, ARROW WAS FUCKING AWESOME!!!! Had me at the edge of my seat! Omg, when Roy got stabbed... What?! And then the twist! What?! Brilliant! And then the final twist!!! THEA!!!!!! :'( But ohhh the trailer... freaking freaking ahhhhhh!!! So freaking good. :D :D :D Ah, what a great night.

Oh and then I watched X-Men Evolution, I like this series... but not too much. It's ok. The episode I saw today was really good though. "Grim Reminder". It was when Wolverine's brain chip gets triggered with the news report and he goes find Sabertooth and the Doc. "You caged the wrong animal, Bub!" Go Logan!!! Shred him to pieces! \m/ lol

Y ahora me muero de zzzzzzz.... :D I mean... -_-

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The Past is Smoke [12 Apr 2015|12:17am]
"They say the past is etched in stone, but it isn't. It's smoke trapped in a closed room, swirling... changing. Buffeted by the passing of years and wishful thinking. But even though our perception of it changes, one thing remains constant. The past can never be completely erased. It lingers. Like the scent of burning wood." - Wesley from the Netflix DareDevil series.
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Gotta remember my own advice... :) [08 Apr 2015|05:23pm]
For every bad, there is good. There's darkness, but there will always be light. There are sad days, but there will always be happy days. Each day is different. We're always moving forward. Take a look at a picture from when you were younger and you'll realize that each and every day you've been through till now, you've grown stronger physically, emotionally, and also wiser. And that will always be the case because we never turn back time. Take the rest you need. Cry the tears you need to. But never forget for that there are always better days.
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Slow down, close your eyes, and breathe... [07 Apr 2015|01:12pm]
[ mood | calm ]

When the storms roll in, remember to dance in the rain. The sun is sure to come out again.


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A few hours later... [05 Apr 2015|11:42pm]
[ mood | sad ]

Same ol same ol... tomorrow is a different day... sigh...

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Not again... [05 Apr 2015|06:28pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I'm in one of my depressive states again. This blows.

The long weekend started off great! My cousins Mishy and Nikki slept over 2 nights. They're the sweetest. Couldn't wait for me to get home to spend time with them. So after class I went home and it was all Taylor Swift singing and painting nails and girly stuff. Saturday we went to see Cinderella during the day. Curled Mishy's hair and at it came out beautiful! She loved it! Then at night I took some time off from the kids. They're tiring! I'm pretty sure I don't want any, but it's nice to have them around for a bit. I went to hang out with Roshini at the Science Museum. That was so refreshing. Didn't get there in time for the star show, but I waited for her to get out so we could go to the observatory. That was the first time I've ever seen the moon through a telescope. It was sooooo pretty and blinding! I wanted to just stay looking at it. After that we sat in my car and continued talking for hours about our lives and what we'd been up to till now. What plans we have for later on, etc. She's one of the greatest people I know. She's been through so much and like all the strong women I know, we keep smiles on our faces amidst the turmoil we've faced. We did cracked up at some of the shit we've been through. I can only wish the best for all of us. We deserve it. I'm so tired of hearing all these sad stories of horrible relationships and shitty men. We're good women and don't deserve all this shit. Why have we put up with such crap? The thought of becoming a truly cold woman is so tempting, but that's all it is. Just a thought, because I cannot see myself in such a way. I'm sweet. And that's how I'll always be. But I do definitely gotta toughen up. For my own sake or I'll just get run over again.

I went running yesterday. Was feeling lazy/sad but I went anyway. Didn't help much. I'm sure it helped my butt though. Lol Took Mishy to Mac's Comics store. I like it. It's small, but they have really good comics. I just didn't buy any cause I still haven't gone through the ones I have at home. We were looking for Mishy's favorite. Wonder Woman. But there weren't any for her age. She found a different comic that she liked though. Penny (something) and the Wishing Box. And Oddly Normal. She doesn't like reading, but she was really excited about those. I was really hoping there'd be some Wonder Woman, she would've definitely loved that. But, at least she found something that got her to read. :)

Today I took my mom and the girls to church. Easter Sunday... I didn't want to go again. I think next time I'll just tell my mom I'll drop her off. I feel so out of place there. I feel like I've lost my faith and I don't know what to believe anymore. Everything they say sounds like such bs to me. And I don't know how to deal with this ambivalence. I was practically falling asleep. That's all I seem to want to do lately.

Ahhhh... when is this gonna end! This is not me!!!!! I don't want to be this way!!! I'm tired of feeling this way!!!


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Light and shadows [29 Mar 2015|06:09pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I took my mom to church today. Second time this year I've been there. I thought this time I might feel a little different. I have been feeling pretty down today. It seems every time I have a truly awesome day, the next is just... meh. I want to be on a constant high and it feels unreachable. So I decided to go to church today to see if I'd find something I'm missing. Didn't find anything. If anything, I just keep realizing that I don't like being there at all. I didn't want to go to begin with, but my mom really wanted to go. It's Palm Sunday. She is so religious and was so happy talking about it, I couldn't say no. Besides, I have a car now and I don't mind taking time off to do something my mom would be so happy to do. I'm not very religious, but I respect my mom's faith and her love for it. Truth is, I have some of it deep within me too.

At church today, I just kept seeing how everybody follows all the directions and repeats phrases ingrained in their brains. I have some of those too. I recite them at night in my mind before I fall asleep. I'm not much different, but seeing it before my eyes... everybody... just repeating the same words. I feel like I'm in a cult. I don't like the feeling.

And as always, every time I go, I try to listen and make sense of what the priest is saying. There's always some things he says that come from the bible that don't make sense to me. They preach to be good and humble and forgiveness. They then talk about how if you don't believe in God or Jesus that he'll deny you entrance into heaven. Or that you will be punished. It doesn't make sense to me. It's not what I believe. It's not the way I see things. He talked today about Jesus saying that everybody should be like kids close to the ground "with their feet firm on the ground". That adults should keep their heads from the clouds and be like children close to the ground. I don't know what kind of kids this priest hangs out with, but every child I know has crazy amazing dreams. That just made absolutely no sense at all! It is just so completely untrue! Children believe in the impossible. If anything, yes we should be like children believing the sky is the limit! They believe in Superman for Christ's sake! And then all the bible stuff... whenever they recite excerpts from it there's always something I hear that I don't like. Just negative things... always something there.

I believe God is good. That's what I feel in my heart. Maybe there was no Jesus. Just a guy whose name was Jesus that truly believed he was God's son but not really. And then people wrote about him and the bible was born later. I don't know. I believe what I see. There is good and evil. There is light and shadows. Maybe there are two Gods always fighting. Sometimes evil triumphs over good and vice versa. Maybe... there's no heaven; just another dimension where good and evil still exist. Maybe... what we see as angels and ghosts are those who have passed trying to help us or hurt us from that other dimension. Good people and bad people all the same. There are all kinds of possibilities in this world. It's crazy the amount of things that we can't see but we know exist. Space. Technology has shown us these planets, stars, galaxies that are out there that otherwise we wouldn't know about. Someone on Facebook posted a meme the other day that said something like "If we didn't have eyes, we wouldn't know color exists. Now, imagine if there's an organ we are missing that doesn't let us see something that is here in this world." That's crazy true.

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Damn you TS! [26 Mar 2015|11:18am]
[ mood | confused ]

"You can hear it in the silence, silence
You can feel it on the way home, way home
You can see it with the lights out, lights out..."

True, true, and true...

But can it be one-sided??? And even if I don't know the person very well? How many times can you fall? Wtf is this shit?!

What the hell are you doing to me woman! You're making me a softy!!!

Hayley come up with something quick and make it bad ass so it can mend my broken heart.

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Eyes of a fallen Angel [23 Mar 2015|03:19pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]

Apparently nothing. Apparently nothing at all. You don't. You don't. You don't see me. You don't see me at all.


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Your heart is good [13 Mar 2015|11:37pm]
[ mood | confused ]

I still remember it. His gestures and how he would look me straight in the eye and tell me how much he loved the good person I was. It wasn't just the looks or my quirkiness that he loved. He would come up close and touch with his finger the middle of my chest. "This right here is what I love most." He said I was the best person he'd ever known. That I had the purest heart. The kindest most caring soul. And then he'd hug me and kiss me and I was happy. Then. All I feel right now is pain. So much pain. Because even being the kindest, sweetest, person I could be did not prepare me for how it came to an end. Till this day I fight so hard to keep true to how I see the world. I try to see only the good. I fight so hard to keep the good in and destroy the darkness that creeps into my thoughts. Sometimes I get so tired though. Like today. How could you hurt someone you think is the greatest person ever and tell them you love them and then go ahead and do something you know will hurt them beyond belief. An asshole would do that. But he's a good person too. He really is. Fuck.

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Signs? [10 Mar 2015|09:42pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

My mom found that picture among four others. #5. I didn't remember it existed. Champion. 312. Oh universe... please tell me this is not a trick. 3rd time is the charm? I don't want to hurt again. I haven't fallen yet. Don't let me fall if he won't catch me. I'm scared of heights.

Sugar? Yes please.

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Harley [25 Feb 2015|10:49pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Sometimes I think I may be bat shit crazy. I'm a happy soul, what can I say. :) I like someone who doesn't seem to have any interest in me and here I am listening to songs on repeat that for some reason or other make me think of him. I close my eyes and just see those gorgeous green eyes looking back. And I can hear that sweet voice in my ears. I remember that "Hi Candy" the first time I heard it again after so many years. How it just took me by surprise because I didn't remember how nice it sounded. And all I can think of now is that smile he has. :) I dream in vain but somehow I don't care and I'll just keep dreaming.

<3 Candy

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Departments [18 Dec 2014|08:12am]
[ mood | crushed ]

There are several departments in my heart to store different kinds of love and affection. I just fired everyone in one department, closed the door, and hid the key. I wonder if anyone will someday find it.

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The aftermath [28 Aug 2014|07:25am]
[ mood | calm ]

Since I broke up with Rafael (Friday July 25, 2014) I've had time to get back in touch with Eddie, Kevin, Ramon, AJ, and Andy. I sent them friends requests on Facebook and all accepted. They were all happy to hear from me again. This was a big surprise to me. I thought they all hated me for the letter I wrote them back in 2008. Not the case whatsoever. All the hate I thought was real, was in my head. I hated myself for doing what I did. I turned on myself. Funny that Rafael on one of his attempts to take me back said "I'm worried you will block me or delete me from Facebook". The karma police were at it again... he made me do that on MySpace to my friends. He gave me the ultimatum. And now since I'm no longer with him, now he doesn't want me to do that to him. Well guess what, fool? That was never me. This was my response, "I won't do that to you. You were the one who made me change. You were the one who made me block and remove people from my life that I cared about. You never had a reason to feel like I would betray your trust. And you know I wouldn't stand someone crossing the line. So no I won't delete you or block you. I just won't talk to you as much as I used to. We'll stay friends, but to be honest, I have a lot of resentment toward you." Karma didn't win this time... but it was pretty close. He got lucky I'm not a bitch.

I've learned something from all this... when you feel like running away so many times... do it and don't look back. Because if you stay... it's gonna happen over and over and over again... and you'll always be running.

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A new day [26 Aug 2014|08:34am]
[ mood | optimistic ]

I've regained my composure after last night. What an eye opener! After reading so many of my past entries, I knew it all along. It would end some day. I always knew there was something off about my relationship with Rafael. But I held on to a dream I was promised would come true. But I was lied to. And that hurts so much. I knew it after he fucked up the first time. That's when the dream shattered. That's when I should've let it go. But I don't have regrets. I've learned some very valuable lessons. I've learned what I should and should not put up with. My needs... oh god... my needs! Lol And I've learned not to let go of the good people you care about for someone else's benefit. I've learned to follow my heart once again. To not listen to others putting things in my head when they tell me to "give it a try he's a good guy and really loves you". If I don't have any feelings towards you. No! I won't give it a try. There's gotta be chemistry. There's gotta be sparks and fireworks on both sides. Not just one. That's what I get for being too nice. It was an excellent learning experience for both of us. I know I learned for sure. I wonder if he ever will. The learning process was a bit too long... but an important step in my life nonetheless. I don't have any regrets because I gave it my all. I gave so much that I ended up giving what I should always keep. I gave so much I had actually fallen in love. Till he fucked up again... and then again... and who knows the many more. Well I was not gonna stick around and wonder forever. And that was my wake-up call. So, I got my shovel and dug a deep hole to bury that castle... bury that castle.

Thank you Hayley.

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Hello darkness my old friend. I've come to talk with you again... [26 Aug 2014|12:19am]
[ mood | tired ]

I know what I want. It's just going to take a while. A while for things to fall back into place. Because my whole world has been turned. But I feel free. I am happy. I don't want another disappointment. I don't want to feel this emptiness... this void. Gotta keep busy. Gotta fill it with all that makes me happy. But I'll leave a special place for you. Whoever you are. If it takes forever then forever it shall be. No more stupid decisions. I deserve to be happy. Nobody is perfect. And whoever you are you won't be perfect either. But you'll be perfect for me. And I'll know it. I'll know it when it happens. I just hope and pray you'll know it too.


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*Sigh* [04 May 2010|12:03pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I've been painting... I'm liking it a lot. I wonder just how many I can make in a year. Maybe I can sell some someday. I feel crappy today. :/ I don't like being a person. In my next life, I rather be anything but a person. Too much shit to worry about because if you don't worry then bad shit happens.

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[27 Apr 2009|05:15pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

I'm very thankful of having my job... that being said...
I'M SOOOOOOOO BORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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